I just don’t know . . .

For some time now Thursdays have been what I call my “God Day”.  My church has made available some excellent online videos that I spend some time soaking in. My praying is an ongoing thing anyway, when you’re alone a lot and not a “crowd person” that communication is a means of survival, believe me. (Even more true when you make the decision to be a part of a crowd-total isolation is not healthy) But on Thursdays I dedicate some time to specific things to pray about, and I avoid specific things that can distract me. Normally, you won’t find me on social media much, or working on this blog, but today I am compelled to share. Not that I have any great words of wisdom, but sometimes God requires more openness from me than I am usually comfortable with. The introverted me? The highly sensitive traits the psychologists talk about?
Could this post be an exercise of trust, and obedience? Communicating in the only way I have a little confidence in, writing.
Today was one of those days when I woke up and sat in the chair and just shook my head and said “I don’t know, Lord. I just don’t know.” True, I’ve been fighting bronchitis, and it has gone from bad to better to worse. Normal cycle. At least I could sleep in the bed last night. Interrupted sleep, but at least there was some sleep. So I told Him, “I know, Lord, there is so much to be thankful for. But is it wrong for me to really want some white bread for toast?” (Note here: I try not to buy bread because if I have it, I will eat toast or sandwiches instead of the healthier things. When you’re sick is that such a bad thing?)
toast-tea-17767981Today I am a child. I don’t want to think, to make decisions, to push down my opinions that could possibly hurt others because I am just tired of exercising self control. I want to drink tea and eat toast and pull my mom’s old quilt around me and watch silly Sci Fi movies. But I don’t want anyone to feel bad because I am really miserable right now.  I’m writing. Even if it is just this post, I am doing what I love, I am being who God created me to be.
There will be some real world things that I have to deal with today. But God always get the priority. Above what I want. Above what others want. And, unless someone shows up at my door with a loaf of bread,  there will be no toast. But there will be tea. Oh, yes, there will be tea.
More than anything, there will be conversation with my very best friend, and I will know He is here with me, maybe a little amused at this post, but loving me and providing the strength I need.
Have a blessed day my friends. – Vicki
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